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| 12:42pm 27/03/2006 |
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so today i've decided to eat an orange and a light blueberry yogurt. that comes to about 28g of carbs and 161 calories. i'm going to go over the 20g of carbs limit, but i'm running today so i wanted to make sure i could make it five miles, and since you burn carbs when you run, i think i'll be okay, at least for day one.
i hope this new plan works. |
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| 12:46am 09/03/2006 |
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okay, so i'm officially 77 hours into my fast and i've had nothing but sugarfree gum, water, and one hoodia pill a day and i am nowhere NEAR being hungry. this is absolutely amazing, i swear i could keep this up forever. i feel third/fourth-day weak, and my heart does that weird double-beat thing like it does when i'm fasting, but that's IT.
i feel kind of guilty because it was so easy to fast, but now i can keep this up for weeks, which will be cool and definitely will lead to awesome results. i went to dinner with friends tonight and wasn't even tempted to eat the food...i sat there for over 2 hours with NO cravings (and did a fucking good job hiding the fact that i wasn't eating). these hoodia pills are miracle workers.
so i'm thinking i'm going to fast for 10 days. that's almost double the longest fast i've done...but i'm thinking that since i'm always fine on my own after day four anyway, it's going to be extremely easy with these pills. i'm excited to get past this plateau...maybe if i lose a little more weight i'll finally be able to not be disgusted with myself... |
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| 12:22am 07/03/2006 |
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omg i LOVE HOODIA!!!!
i have never ever in my life been able to fast this easily. i know it's only hour 28.5, but i've always been slightly hungry the first day but today was just...bliss. these pills like put you on a strange high...like the good feeling you sometimes get when you're eating...that SATISFIED feeling i haven't felt since i was 12 and started this insanity, and it's just like that CONSTANTLY.
i read on bbc.com an article about it and it says it targets a certain part of your brain (the hypothalamus?) which sends out signals to the rest of your body telling you you're full, and they said it gives you that "feel good" feeling too.
but here is what i really love: i have this juice, and i normally allow myself a cup of juice on day one and two of a fast, so i was like, well i might as well drink the juice because i know it helps me last a little longer, but i CANT DRINK IT! like the thought of it or anything else is just completely unappealing to me and i have NEVER had that sort of control when i was fasting, like i've always been tempted, but right now i'm just great.
and i only have to take one pill per 24 hour period, and it was only $40 for 60 pills! so these are going to last me for two months. maybe i just won't eat for two months... |
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| 12:17am 06/03/2006 |
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so i just bought my first diet pills ever. they're herbal so i guess not as intense as some of the ones on the market right now, but i felt like i needed to start out slowly. i just hope they still work if i'm fasting, i'm sure they will since they're technically just "appetite suppresants." i didnt want to get on anything that would make me gain weight if i went off it, because it's kind of an expensive habit to keep up with.
anyway, i started a fast today at 8pm, to go until Friday at 8pm, but hopefully i can last waaaay longer than that because i did awfully this weekend. i hate it when people make me feel guilty for not eating.
i tried doing the eating lightly thing, and i lost a little weight, but it just hurts too much to eat, so i'm not doing that anymore.
i should go to bed, losing sleep makes me hungry |
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| 10:42pm 18/02/2006 |
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so it's saturday night. while most people my age are out with their friends, i'm sitting here planning my menu for the week and i'm scared. i'm not sure if i'll remember how to diet without fasting. i've read over and over again that all fasting does is make you lose water weight and that explains why i'm stuck at this plateau. so i'm making a plan. a plan where i'll lose 11 pounds in 22 days.
i did all the calculations (i burn about 2000 cals a day based on my activity/basal results). so i'll eat 250 cals a day, exercising every other day in order to burn 350 cals during the first week and increasing by 100 cals for the next two consecutive weeks so i burn a net total of 43650 calories, which translates into 11.1923 pounds.
i'm compiling a list of low calorie/fat/carb foods. i've never really believed much in the whole atkins thing...but i've decided to try to cut carbs and stay under 20 carbs a day. we'll see if it actually works or not. i dont want to lose my skin color, so i've decided to allocate some of my calories towards meat every once in awhile, in extreme moderation of course, as those are the only foods on my list that contain more than a half gram of fat.
i'm going shopping tomorrow to get some vegetables and calorie-free spices so i can make my meal plan for the week. i'll update with that tomorrow. |
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| 10:11pm 02/02/2006 |
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i did NOT lose enough weight this week. i think it's because i started working out again and i'm gaining muscle. my measurements are much thinner, but i wish the scale would show some more progress. oh well, working out will start paying off soon i'm sure, once my body gets used to the extra muscle and the muscle starts burning fat.
i read "the best little girl in the world" again this week. that book is amazing...it really helps me get through this whole thing. it probably sounds crazy but the psychiatrist in that book (so i suppose the author really, haha) understands exactly what it feels like. i wish someone would just take control of my life like the psychiatrist did in that book. none of the therapists i've seen before have understood; a lot people just think it's an attention thing, but it's so much deeper than that.
anyway, i should probably get going on my homework...my grades are going to shit. |
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| 11:07pm 17/01/2006 |
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well, today i was on the elliptical for an hour (i would have burned 600 calories if i were 150 pounds, i couldn't figure out how to change it...so maybe i burned like 400 or so at 110) i have a big date on Saturday...this could be my first real relationship in awhile, i just have a good feeling about it. We have dates scheduled well into February...just goes to show you that you get more guys when you're thin. Especially at my height (5'9.5")...i think it's because guys still need to feel like they can protect you, so if you're tall, you have to weigh that much less.
well, maybe i'll be able to get back down to 108 by Saturday; that would be nice, get the BMI back below 16, 15.7 to be exact. i better get started on my hwk; school sucks |
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| 01:47pm 16/01/2006 |
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Where are we? What the hell is going on?
The dust has only just begun to fall,
Crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling.
Spin me round again and rub my eyes.
This can't be happening.
When busy streets a mess with people
would stop to hold their heads heavy.
Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines.
All those years they were here first.
Oily marks appear on walls
Where pleasure moments hung before.
The takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still life.
Hide and seek.
Trains and sewing machines. (Oh, you won't catch me around here)
Blood and tears,
They were here first.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well, of course you did.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best? Ah off course it is.
Mmm, what you say?
Mm, that it’s just what we need? And you decided this. |
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| 10:40pm 11/01/2006 |
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i'm losing my control...i gained some weight back over Christmas break to appease my parents and i think i might be addicted to food now. i only got through 4 days of fasting before i started craving things so badly i lost it and ate soup. i'm so disappointed in myself, but i think it might stem from the fact that i'm really having trouble in my classes already. i can't concentrate anymore without food like i used to be able to. i need to get this control back because it's the only way i'll be able to handle being away at school. i'm already so homesick i can't handle it. fasting is the only way i can cure homesickness because then i don't think about my family at all. i don't understand why i need to be here, away from all the people i love, when life is so ephemeral. everytime i leave i'm always so scared it might be the last time i see one of them because you never know what might happen. i had no idea over the summer when i visited my grandpa that that was the last time i was going to see him. he was perfectly fine and then all of a sudden we lost him.
i was looking up diet pills on the internet again...i still can't convince myself to take them. so i suppose another fast will start tomorrow. hopefully i won't fuck this one up. i have a date this weekend so i need to be skinny again. |
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| 02:05pm 12/11/2005 |
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so new theory on why i do this to myself, involving Maslow's hierarchy of needs. According to him, you need to fulfill your physiological needs (hunger and thirst) before you can fulfill anything else (safety needs, love/belonging, etc). So i'm thinking that maybe i subconsciously know this...and if i deny myself food and don't fulfill my basic needs, i don't feel like i'm lacking anywhere else, my mind is concentrated on getting me food, instead of more emotionally painful concentrations like missing my family and feeling unloved and alone. because honestly, feeling hungry is so much easier than feeling alone/missing my family. i think that might be why i feel like i'm "allowed to eat" too when i'm among friends and family. like it's okay then because i won't feel hurt on higher levels of the pyramid then either...maybe i'm crazy, but it kinda makes sense.
i'm on hour 87 of my fast that's going to end at midnight. the plan is to eat three meals tomorrow so that i get a semblance of a metabolism back..then soup-fast for 3 days, then do a 7 day fast until i leave to see my family over Thanksgiving break. they haven't seen me since the funeral when i was around 116, so it's going to be quite shocking...and maybe i will finally get some help, because i finally realize that i need it. my bmi is 15.2 and i still only see fat...so if 15.2 isn't cutting it, i don't know what will, and i'm sick of being driven by this illness. but i know i'll never go get help by myself, then i would be failing...i need someone else's help, but they have to notice first. THEY have to see me as skinny so that i can finally know i am, at least in other people's eyes, but it has to be so skinny that they act on it...and apparently i'm not hitting that mark yet |
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| 01:33pm 12/09/2005 |
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So i think i've finally lost my period for good. it's always been really random but i think no it's gone. it sucks though because i never know if i should expect it or not. sometimes if i eat it'll randomly reappear, but oh well, i just hope it's completely gone...the fast is going really well, i'm about 22.5 hours in which is a really short time because i need to fast for at least 168 total, so i'm 13% there, haha. i think i'm thinner than normal even though my weight is pretty much the same because i've been working out so much, i barely have any fat left which is good, i mean, it hurts so much when anything touches a bone, but it's worth it, i have a feather bed on top of my mattress so i can sleep, haha.
on my date saturday my guy put his arm around me and it was resting right at my hip bone and it hurt so badly! he wasnt even pressing or anything, it just hurt to have friction there, but at the same time it was nice, he's such a great guy, and the thing i like most is that when he says he'll call me, he actually calls, every time, it's hard to find guys like that...last night he called unexpectedly around 10 just to see how i was doing cuz i have a cold and it was such a comfortable moment :) i was laying there on my doubly-padded bed under millions of comforters talking to him, ahh so nice.
it's weird we have a class together though, today it felt so awkward because for some reason it feels like we can't show that we're going out, like it would be weird or something, haha. both of us feel that way but neither of us understands why, it's not like it's against the rules of the class that we can't date each other, haha.
it's good too because when we go out to dinner it's like we're too infatuated with each other so he doesn't even notice if i don't eat :) i mean, i feel bad that he pays for food i don't eat, but i always give my leftovers to him so it works out. ahh, infatuation is a pleasant state of mind...
well, i only have three hours to get a year and a half's worth of work done, or so it seems. this morning was sooo incredibly stressful. hopefully i'll get done soon enough with everything i need to accomplish before 5 so that i can run before my meeting as well. |
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| 02:15am 10/09/2005 |
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i started a fast at midnight, it will go for at least a week because i hate food and can't bear to eat it anymore. my grandpa is going to be gone and life doesn't make sense anymore. |
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| 12:34am 07/09/2005 |
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mon grand-pere meurt, et j'ai mange trop. je sais pas faire, mais il n'y a rien a faire. je suis trop triste, mais je ne le crois pas. C'etait mon grand-pere, mon ami, il m'a enseigne beaucoup, il m'a aide tout le temps, mais maintenant...il va disparaitre, et il sera impossible de le voir encore. je l'aime, je l'aimerai toujours. je ne vais pas manger pour au moins trois jours, jusqu'a vendredi soir, pour mon grand-pere...
et pour ceux qui parlent le francais, je suis desole mais je peux pas taper les accents avec cet ordinateur. |
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| 07:18pm 22/08/2005 |
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i get to fast in less than two days!!! I'm soooo excited, i haven't been able to ALL summer because i was under stict parental surveillance. but i get back to school in less than two days!!!!!! Unfortunately it has to be a fairly short fast...wednesday afternoon til friday at dinner (i have dinner plans with friends that get super-pissy when i don't eat) but i can get away with eating a very little amt. and making it look like i ate more. woo! I'm excited! Good luck to everyone! |
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| 11:27pm 03/08/2005 |
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i wonder if my weight loss since school got out is noticeable...i've lost about 15 pounds since the last time my friends saw me. they'll see me again this weekend. i don't know if i want it to be noticeable or not. i want people to be able to see that i'm thinner, but i don't want worries or anything. i don't want anyone to make me eat or anything like that. but i'm really curious about if people can tell or not. it'll be sooo easy not to eat when i leave. no one will be watching me for long periods of time. i'm excited. i need to fit in some running time though, to keep my legs toned. i bet i could lose up to 7 pounds if i'm really diligent that week. i should be down about 2 more pounds by the time i leave too which'll be nice. i'm going to be pretty damn skinny by the time i get to college, and then i'll get to fast!!!
i'm really worried about the doctor's appt. tomorrow though. people are so stupid when it comes to anorexia. they think it's just a vanity thing that can be fixed by slapping some sense into the person. they're so wrong. it's an illness. making me eat is not going to fix anything, it's just going to make me restrict even more because i have ground to make up. doctor's say they dont know if heredity has anything to do with it, but i think i'm living proof. probably half of the women in my entire family have it. it's not something i'll ever be able to stop and it's something i have to deal with for my entire life, so people really just need to lay off. maybe i'll get help someday, but i'll never be satisfied if i don't reach my goals, so i need to reach them first, then i might actually be helpable. all people are doing is making the process take longer when they make me eat. it's a patience game. they don't understand that. when people make me eat it makes me lose all sense of control, and that's all i'm really striving for. i wish there was some way i could get it through their heads. this is something i need, i hate it when people try to take it away from me. |
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| 06:05pm 31/07/2005 |
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talked to rach last night, i miss her a lot :( but it made me happy to talk to her for a little bit, reminded me that yes, i do have friends, and i'll see them soon thank goodness. i need to get rid of any trace of a southern accent i have developed this past month and once i get back to school, never leave the north again. maybe i'll try for an internship in Italy or something next summer...
in other news, the scale must have been off yesterday or i had some serious water weight problems because im back down to my lower weight as of this morning. i can't wait to get back to school so that i can start seriously losing. this slow stuff does not work for me. when im at school no one will notice which will be good. i still hope to lose 15 before school starts though, we'll see how that works. i think i may have plateau'd. but as long as my bmi stays below 18 ill be okay i think. i ate way too much today but i had to because the parentals are getting suspicious, i heard them talking the other night about it. ugh, i hate food so much. but i decided im no longer eating any carbs or fats from now on, so i'll still let them see me eat, but non-carb, non-fat items (basically fruits and vegetables and fat-free yogurt). ahhh i need to lose fast, im scared im going to lose my mind and end up in a long fast without thinking and be forced into recovery before school starts, that would suck. but oh well, they'll realize eventually when i come back...i can blame marathon training or something though...i'll cross that bridge when i come to it. i probably ate close to 1000 cals today, ick, but my stomach is already rebelling so the impact wont be too bad, and i'm going to run three miles tonight after my food settles, so that'll burn about 300 of it. i'll do crunches and leg lifts tonight before bed too. im so disgusted with myself right now. grrrrr maybe it's time to start posting in the community again... |
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| 01:13pm 28/07/2005 |
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alright, my skirt is falling off, my favorite one, pinned the back together so that it would stay up....hopefully no one will notice. hit lowest weight in two years, now need to work out to get rid of the rest of the fat, had to eat lunch today to make people less suspicious, about to throw up, i feel so sick from it. update later |
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| 06:31pm 27/07/2005 |
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i want to go home, wherever that is. i dont think it exists any more. im losing touch with everyone and i keep getting so sad for no reason at all. i just want to stay in my bed and never leave, my bed could become my home. today was horrible, last night was horrible, i just want to be happy again. only good news, i lost a pound in a day. |
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| 09:13pm 25/07/2005 |
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i really miss having friends that are close by, i guess you can't when you're trying to lose weight though, blessing in disguise? when i get back to school the people i know will notice, im sure. probably have lost 20 pounds since the last time i saw them, hopefully they won't notice. at least i'll look semi-presentable. I'll have a bmi of 16 then. i'll be happy if i lose 10 more pounds before school starts. i have exactly 30 days. so that's 1/3 of a pound per day. that should be pretty easy. that just means i have to burn 1166 more calories than i consume per day. so i can eat up to 800 cals per day, not that that'll happen, but at least i know it'll be easy to not mess up.
i should go |
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| 11:39pm 23/07/2005 |
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what a day...i was swimming today with my mom, brother, and cousin while my dad was weeding the garden that's right by the pool. i was messing with my goggles when all of a sudden i looked over and saw my dad lying and not moving on the concrete. for a split second it was my worst fear realized. i just stared for a few seconds until my brain caught up with me and was like "dad?....dad??" thankfully he answered. something is wrong with his back though. i guess all of a sudden he lost feeling in his legs and knew he was about to fall into a bush so he just fell onto the concrete instead so he wouldn't be pricked by the bush. he just laid there for close to 45 minutes, he couldn't move and we couldn't move him. finally we got him into a lawn chair, i don't know why, it didn't seem any more comfortable for him. it was the hardest thing in the world to see him cry and scream in pain. worse just because i know it was killing him to let his family see him that way. i had to focus all of my energy into not crying. eventually we got him into the house, but he just sat in the lawn chair for awhile, and insisted that we get back into the pool. it was at that point when i realized that drowning would be a preferable way to die for me (not like a suicidal thought, just thinking the opposite of the worst ways to die). i just stayed under the water for as long as i could and it was really peaceful, like life just paused, there were no sounds and i could just float, not moving except to try to keep my body down at the bottom of the deep end. after he got inside he just stayed in his chair for a few hours until bed time. then he needed to go upstairs for bed, so i tried to help him but i guess his back got worse he was trying to pick himself up and i was trying to help when all of a sudden he screamed, a real scream, like nothing i've ever heard come out of his mouth, and he collapsed back down in the chair. i didn't know what to do, i kept asking if he wanted me to call 911 but he basically told me it was out of the question. i'm so scared. i hate changes, i just want him to be better, to go play catch and basketball and stuff, and not worry about getting older or whatever he's worried about. i want him to go to the hospital to make sure it's nothing serious, a selfish need i have because i need to know he'll be okay.
you'd think in the face of this my former goals would no longer be an issue, but for some reason it makes it more of one. if i just get there, worries will be gone, somehow time will be transcended and everything will be okay. that's all i really want, for everything to be okay. please God help my dad. |
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